Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
where does the pee come out of this thing
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Randomize
