Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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