woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
