Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
