If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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