god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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