I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
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