I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
