she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
