my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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