I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
