This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
