Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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