He is an equal opportunity slut.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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