I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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