I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
