I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
