and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
