Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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