turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
