WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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