Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
