when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
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