I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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