I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
