im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
