Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
