like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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