my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
