Don't make out with my wife yet
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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