Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
