I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
