Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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