Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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