Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
