Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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