I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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