so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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