literally had 100 drinks last night.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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