I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
