My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
