just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
