my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
