Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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