I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
