I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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