I am in a vortex of obligation.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize