Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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