So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
