So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
