he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
