Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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