we have pet lesbian snakes
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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