Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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