I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
