my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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