Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
