Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
