i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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